She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
