i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
