I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
