does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i wish my penis had a tongue
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
the raccoons are back...
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