I'm jealous of your bromance
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
