GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
