I wannas sexs uuuuu
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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