So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
