Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
