Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
