Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
