the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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