dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
