we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is classic penis vs brain.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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