she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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