How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
