the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
