Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
