You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
