i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
