I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
