People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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