I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
