Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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