he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
