I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
