We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
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