I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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