Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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