I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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