i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
