Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
