And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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