I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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