I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
