apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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