1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
