He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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