Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
