if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
