Can i not drive my cunt home
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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