He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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