I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
