Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'd cum for enchiladas.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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