Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
