don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
