1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
