I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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