They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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