I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
