I will die if light touches me.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
