I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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