Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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